The Bachelorette Season 12: A Review (Part 1)

Hello People. Are you ready for the apocalypse? Because your favorite blogger has decided to do a pop-culture review of this season’s “The Bachelorette”. Why? I accidentally got sucked into the ridiculousness of last season’s “The Bachelor” (Seriously…they were all annoying EXCEPT for Jojo! She was too good for him anyways), and haven’t stopped complaining since (also my first time watching “The Bachelor”) So! I figured why not rant on here? So what I’ll be doing is AS I’m watching the newest episode (hopefully live), I’ll be recording my thoughts in a review-type format. It might not make sense now, but it will once you read it. Also, be very prepared for  a very different perspective than what you’re used to seeing for this show.

I’d also take a look at this article because I feel like Linda Holmes might be my reality television spirit animal – Parade Of Goofballs 2016: Can JoJo Find A Prince In A Haystack? The title itself should be a dead give-away to the amazingness. Anyways, let’s begin!

Just a quick recap, Joelle “Jojo” Fletcher, is a 25 year old from Dallas, TX. She’s a Real Estate Developer. I don’t think anything else is important for the superficiality this show already presents.

So, we open with a re-cap of last season with Ben being his kind, but unbelievably boring self, but Jojo being amazing. Nothing new there. He lied to Jojo, but seriously, it’s “The Bachelor”, what did you expect?

We move forward to Jojo trying to convince herself that she’s moved on with some terribly choreographed shots in a garden and at the beach. These producers are actually the worst. She ends with “Bring on the men!” which for some inexplicable reason, made me smile.

So, let’s “bring on the men!” Real talk, Jojo has these perfect turtle earrings, and they just make me love her more. I can’t figure out what had to happen in her childhood to make her thing being on this show was a good idea…

1. Grant is a firefighter. Of course. He’s 28 and from SF, CA. He seems pretty genuine and educated so far. Let’s hope he doesn’t disappoint me too fast.
 
2. Jordan is a “Former Pro Quarterback”. He’s 27 and from Chico, CA. AARON RODGER’S BROTHER. As a football fan, I’m already his fan. He sees like he’s pretty responsible, so good for you buddy!
 
3. Alex is a US Marine. He’s 25 from Oceanside, CA. He’s got some weird “Top Gun” thing going on. He’s also a twin? I anticipate something weird potentially happening with that down the line.
 
4. James is a “Bachelor Superfan”. What kind of people does this show attract? He’s 27 from Pheonix, AZ. We got some people from outside of CA now! He’s also pretty weird… He’s like stalker-material right off the bat.
 
5. Evan is an “Erectile Dysfunction Specialist”. He’s 33 from Nashville, TN. This guy used to be a pastor, but he won my approval with his line: “I found a different way to lift people’s spirits”. HA. Good on you guy. I’m praying these puns continue. For a guy who’s excited to put “a pep in other guy’s steps”, he sure has a very somber walk. Which somehow, doesn’t match how excited he gets when he talks about Jojo. Whoa man. He even has “mojo for Jojo”. This is fantastic.
 
6. Ali is a bartender. He’s 27 from Santa Monica, CA. His family has immigrated from Iran, and his family seems to fill the typical immigrant stereotype – doctors and dentists. I’m sure he’s the disappointment of the century. I can relate being from an immigrant family as well. I feel you bro. On the other hand, his eye brows are pretty crazy.
 
7. Christian is a Telecom Consultant. He’s 26 from LA, CA. Right off the bat, he’s super peppy. And a little too into exercise it would seem. But a self-proclaimed geek, so let’s see how that works out. I’m usually a fan of geeks and dorks (being one myself) but self-proclaimed beefy dudes hardly are. He’s got a very sympathetic story about being bi-racial in a racist family. It tugs at the heart-strings, but I’m sure that’s what it was intended to do. Even more tugging-ly, he’s apparently raising his two brothers all by himself. He seems super grounded though, so that’s good!
 
8. Luke is a “War Veteran”. He’s 31 from Burnet, TX. On top of being a veteran, he’s apparently living a second-life as a rancher, with an entire pose leaning against a bright red barn. Let’s see where that goes.
 
So I guess there’s some weird editing thing going on where now she starts meeting all these introduced men? Already I’m seeing there’s going to be two types of guys. Idiots and non-idiots. Then again, I assume it’s the same every season? My favorite picks so far: Jordan, Evan, and below that, Christian!

So she meets Jordan first, who tells her that his parents got married after a couple of months and are married for over 30 years. That’s some good encouragement bud!

Derek is next. Who the hell is Derek?? Apparently, he’s not good enough to get a video?
 
9. Derek is a commercial banker. He’s 29 from Fort Lauderdale, FL.
Apparently he’s got Jojo’s attention with his looks. He mentions how
much he loves how grounded she is.
 
Grant’s next. He talks about how he’s not going to “be like Ben” and fall in love with 2 people at once. Why would you bring that up bro?? You don’t WANT to be associated with the guy who broke her heart! James swings up forgetting to mention his own name briefly. Good move. He does say “I didn’t come here for a rose, I came here for a relationship”. Super cheesy dude.
 
10. Robby is a former competitive swimmer. He’s 27 from Jacksonville, FL.
I’m biased towards his name…but he’s also immediately carrying a
bottle of wine. This either goes really good or really bad. He gives me
a bad feeling though. Oh wait, it’s justified – he’s offered her a chug
straight from the bottle… weird..
 
Alex swags in with a simple “wow” towards Jojo. He’s super polite but also forgets to give him name, followed by claiming how nervous he is.
 
11. Will is a civil engineer. He’s 26 from Jersey City, NJ. Will comes in
with notecards and promptly drops them all on the floor, calls himself
a train wreck, and then starts reading his notecards out of order. It’s
a cute quirkiness. I’m rooting for him!
 
12. Chad is a Luxury Real Estate Agent. He’s 28 from Tulsa, OK. I only know
Tulsa from Friends. That seemed like pertinent information, but I’m not
sure why. Chad is obviously not much of a talker. He’s going in my
idiots category off the bat.
 
13. Daniel is “Canadian”. He’s 31 from Vancouver. Far be it from be to tell
you how being Canadian is a profession, but at least we have a decent
chance of having someone amazing now!
 
Ali just looks like a goner in his first shot. But at least he makes a good first impression! …And now a guy with a guitar pops up out of nowhere. And it’s a terrible song…
 
14. James-Taylor is a singer-songwriter. He’s 29 from Katy, TX. This is
seriously, such a bad song. Poor Jojo keeps saying it’s good… I think
she sustained some brain damage from that noise.
 
15. Jonathan is a Technical Sales Rep. He’s 29 from Vancouver. And now we
have an Asian man in a kilt. Honestly, I have hope for the Canadian
team..kinda. His reasoning is that he’s half Chinese and half Scottish.
Apparently, his half-Scottish side is “below the waist”…he might have
just lost my vote with such a crude joke as a first impression. What
happened to being a respectful Canadian? He then tells her that he’s
not wearing any panties either… good lord…
 
He’s also very clearly making an impression with the other guys as well. Daniel’s apparently very upset with this as well. The kilt is apparently the equivalent of telling someone to “f— me”. What? Daniel that doesn’t even make sense dude. Seems like someone’s getting a little intimidated… by a guy in a kilt?
 
16. Saint Nick is literally “Father Christmas”. He’s 33 from the North Pole according to his bio. His laugh is literally “Jo-jo-jo-jo-jo”. Seriously ABC? Isn’t this a big gimmicky? He even has a present! What??

EDIT (6/6/16): We now know his real name is Nick B. and he is an Electrical Engineer! He’s 33 from Carthage, Illinois.
 
And goodness gracious Daniel has a mouth on him. he’s very unhappy with Santa and has some very choice, child-inappropriate words for him. Jordan was a perfect sweetheart about it. Still my favorite dude.
 
17. Chase is a medical sales rep. He’s 27 from Highlands Ranch, CO. He’s
got a VERY fake mustache on, with a lot of accompanied mustache puns
going on.
 
Meanwhile, Robby’s pointing out that there’s 2 types of guys here – the “classier” type that are probably more Jojo’s type, and the gimmicky type that are grabbing Jojo’s attention. Can’t agree with you more here buddy. As he’s saying classy, we pan to –
 
18. Jake is a landscape architect. He’s 27 from Playa Vista, CA. That’s it.
 
For gimmicky, we go to –
 
19. Sal is an Operation’s Manager. He’s 28 from Fort Lauderdale, FL. He has
blue balls – literally. He tells her that if she’s feeling stressed, he
can “squeeze his blue balls” and gives her blue stress balls.
 
and Robby then says that some guys say some cheesy lines and we pan to-
 
20. Coley is a real estate Consultant. He’s 27 from Chicago, Il. He hopes
to “take Jojo off the market”. But this dude looks like such a sleaze-
ball, I’m not entirely sure that’s going to happen.
 
and then some guys don’t have much to say at all –
 
21. Brandon is a “Hipster”. He’s 28 from LA, CA. He also doesn’t have a lot to say.
 
Robby basically summed it up pretty nicely. Good job dude!

James, The Bachelor Superfan shows up, and then Daniel says the line “There’s a lot of studs here…If I was gay, I’d be in paradise!”. That sums him up well. I’m very quickly learning to dislike him.
 
22. Nick S. is a software salesman. He’s 26 from SF, CA. He comes in, does the splits, and starts waltzing with Jojo! I personally find it adorable, but there’s a lot of commentary coming in from the other contestants and they’re not happy about this.
 
23. Vinny is a barber. He’s 28 from Delray Beach, FL. He says he didn’t
have time to pick up champagne, but he did prepare a toast. And it’s an
actual toast! Also cute. Other men still unhappy.
 
24. Peter is a staffing agency manager. He’s 26 from Chicago, IL. He brings
a giant heart and says he wants to be her “man crush monday”.
 
EVAN. He says “god bless america” when he sees her.
 
25. Wells is a radio DJ. He’s 31 from Nashville, TN. He proclaims that
she’s so out of his league the second he sees her. I’m gonna say not a
good start. Then he says he brought some friends. There’s 4 guys that
come out of the car, called “All for One” that start singing acapella
for her. He’s got that clutched!
 
Christian just rolled in on a motorcycle. She’s already proclaimed him the “bad boy”.

But wait, there’s more! Luke pulls up Jojo’s reference for her first impression with Ben. He rolls in on a white horse that he’s attached a horn to and proclaims that “he found her a unicorn!”. They’re really not pulling the stops here. He’s REALLY made a good impression on her!

Thank god! We’re done with the men now. Now onto the party!

There seems to be a consensus among the men that she’s the “hottest bachelorette ever”. That doesn’t seem to be scripted at all… They spend a good bit of time exploring her hotness. Chad remarks that her “dress is really bright”. I’m sure he’s not thinking of anything superficial at all. But it’s obviously reciprocal, because it seems that Jojo can only focus on the men’s mutual hotness.

One of the guys immediately pulls Jojo aside for some alone time. It’s Alex – the weird twin dude! (I can’t wait until elimination, so I don’t have to remember so many names). He’s already been called out for having a Napoleon complex, which might not be too far up since he starts doing push-ups for her immediately. Then again, the other guys seem to have their own issues too.

Derek’s up next. He’s proclaimed himself a nerd for “looking like Harry Potter”. That’s not a nerd dude.

Ali’s winning my favor with his cute humor though. Slowly, the guys meet her one by one and it doesn’t seem to be going well for anyone.

And then we get to JORDAN. This dude is smooth as hell. He’s already moving his hand up and down our shoulder. Real life, this shit would creep me out. But I guess it’s SUPER working for Jojo. There’s even hand holding going on! SCANDALOUS.

Will does a cute little fortune paper thing and gets a kiss, but apparently Jojo’s not digging it.

Jordan comes back in and goes for a HARD CORE kiss. Even more scandalous!

I’m not really caring about anyone else since they don’t have little name tags attached, and it’s too hard to remember their names.

Time for this thing called the “First Impression Rose”. I guess that means you can’t be eliminated that week. My money’s on Jordan.

Chad does a little mumble a says, “I have feelings…shut up.” Real mature dude… So it’s Chad’s turn now. He apparently comes off as vulnerable, and Jojo’s really into it. Literally watching him, on the other hand, I feel like throwing up. He continues to talk about how he’s a manlier version of Ben. He’s obviously super fake and pulling this superficial macho man thing. Guys, I can not explain this to you any more clearly. If you want an intelligent girl, DO NOT ACT LIKE A MACHO MAN. YOU COME OFF AS A DOUCHE. Moving forward…

Daniel’s not having a good time trying to explain a “Damn Daniel” joke. R.I.P. Brother…

Everyone’s starting to get pretty drunk… Things are definitely about to get interesting. I’m noticing Daniel has a SUPER Canadian accent. And then starts poking people in the belly button. Not good man. And now he starts stripping. Jojo really wants him to put clothes on. Instead, he’s jumped into the pool. Evan’s clearly got a good head on him. He’s really upset about the belly button thing though.

Ali is ADORABLE. He says he understands there’s a lot of pressure, but there’s better ways to deal with it than getting hammered. You go buddy! AND NOW HE’S PLAYING BEETHOVEN FOR JOJO. HELLZ YES.

Fun tangent: Saint Nick actually turns out to be very handsome. And apparently very normal. Good for the joke man!

James-Taylor is making a great impression too, talking about Texas with his Texas accent and what not.

As the show progresses, I’m realizing Jojo is very sweet, but not very smart..but incredibly personable! I guess that’s what you need in a Bachlorette?

Luke has a “silent, sexy confidence”. That’s good?

AND JORDAN HAS THE FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE.

I’m sure you can figure out the main points of the show from my all caps points.

At this point, we’re in an hour into a 90 minute show.

Chad’s talking about Jordan being a not great guy, an how he’s obviously still better. I have no idea what world he’s living in at this point.

ELIMINATION ROUND. LEGGO.

So there are 25 guys, and only 20 get a rose. My money’s on the following staying – 1. Jordan (obviously), 2. Chad (because you need a douche), 3. Ali (we need not-white people), 4. Evan (he’s too smart to let go immediately), 5. Luke (she liked him too much), 6. Alex (she has a thing for servicemen), 7. Christian (bad-boy turned nice thing going on?), 8. James-Taylor (token Texas person), 9. Saint Nick (he’s too weird to let go), 10. Robby (his commentary was too spot on and he got too much air-time), 11. Wells (he has a freaking acapella group), and 12. it pretty much doesn’t matter at this point but let’s go with Vinny just because. 13 – 20. Everyone except Daniel, Jonathan, Chase, Coley, and Brandon.

Right before the first rose is given, a random stranger walks in! Who is it??? Jake Povelka, a former Bachelor, and apparently a close family friend of Jojo’s? It’s of course a ploy by ABC to add random suspense for no reason. He just came to reassure her. I hate your ploys ABC. It’s only episode 2 and I’m already tired of you. Be prepared for me to break-up with you after this season.

First Rose: Luke
Second Rose: Wells
Third Rose: James-Taylor
Fourth Rose: Grant
Fifth Rose: Derek
Sixth Rose: Christian
Seventh Rose: Chad
Eight Rose: Chase
Ninth Rose: Alex
Tenth Rose: Robby
Eleventh Rose: Brandon
Twelfth Rose: James F.
Thirteenth Rose: Ali
Fourteenth Rose: Saint Nick
Fifteenth Rose: Will
Sixteenth Rose: James S.
Seventeenth Rose: Vinny
Eighteenth Rose: Evan
Ninetieth Rose (and final): Daniel

So those eliminated were: Jake, Jonathan, Coley, Peter, Nick, and Sal.

Next episode, let’s go!